I feel a melancholy gripping my insides. I try to fight back, but the grip is too tight. Last days of my holiday has made me fear that nothing will change, that I will still be unable to form friendships. I see my sister having so much fun with her friends and I feel a sharp pain inside of me. I am not saying that I am all alone in the world, because that is not true. I have my family and one or two people who I can call a true friend, but something is still missing.
I guess I am my biggest problem. Every time I get to know a new person an involuntary thought comes into my head and says: "You're not worth of their company, they don't really want to be with you." It is like my thoughts would be on an auto-drive and they just appear in the usual order. And what follows? I have many acquaintances. I just don't know how to expose my soul without the constant fear of getting hurt.
***
oh, forgive me my mumbling
5 feathers:
I've struggled with this same idea in the past and still do a little today. A technique that works for me is when that negative self-defeating thought comes up, I replace it with a positive thought, such as "I deserve love.. I am worthy of love...etc." I've noticed that it can be difficult to get close to people in person right away, as things can be a little more superficial/"everyday". But with a little bit of gentle persistence, I have a feeling that you will be fine.
It is extremely difficult for me to make new friends too.
My sister makes friends easier than I do, as well. I'm okay with it now. Actually, my blogging friends made me feel better in that respect. Even if I've never met them I love them more than people I actually have met.
I know those little thoughts of self-doubt are so hard to squelch, but just remember they are lies. You are a wonderful person, dear! I'm sure people are happy to talk to you. They may even suffer such doubts of their own...
Friendships are such strange things. Some happen so suddenly, some take years. It just all depends... I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.
<3
as you know i deal with the same problem, and i agree with jade that it is important to block the negative thoughts with positive ones. i know it can sometimes feel like you're fooling everyone, and that they can't possibly like you, but they do! and once you begin trusting this, you will see more and more of a change in your thinking.
you ARE worth it!
xx
sara
Doubt is fickle and will never be your friend. People are on your side - making new friends can feel so hard, but strangers are kinder than you think.
Well, if you are not worthy of their friendship, nobody is. I don't know anyone more beautiful, enchanting, kind, generous, fascinating, radiant and lovely than you. And I am not just saying these words for the sake of it. I mean it, every single word. You are amazing, E. You are my inspiration. I look at your photographs and I read your words, and I am transported to a beautiful fairy glade where my soul can rest and be free. You, my dear, do not realise what a magical being you are. I hope these terrible thoughts in your mind will quieten down.
Ps, I think I know how you are feeling. I have this constant, terrible fear that I will always be alone, shy, awkward, lonely and friendless in life. Sometimes I can barely breathe, the fear grows so big and heavy in my heart. But this year I am absolutely determined to change my life for the better. Determined. And if it works for me, I promise to share the secret with you, so that you can become the beautiful swan you already are but don't realise it yet.
All my love and warmest wishes. xoxoxo
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