Screaming Swans

2012-01-29T12:16:00.002+02:00

-25 degrees this morning. It is the weather of prickly toes and fingers, redder than red cheeks and vapourised breath. The snow glistens like diamonds and it is softer than powder. And the sun, the sun lights up the treetops and will quickly hide again, it is not yet her time to begin our spring.

2012-01-15T12:55:00.003+02:00

I want to tell you about the change I have been writing about, being unnecessarily cryptic.
Last autumn was a hard one for me, I tired myself with my biology studies and began to really look deep into my soul to see what was going on. I realised, completely out of the blue, that I had not been doing things I love in a very long time. I had been living according to what I thought other people expected from me and in the process I had neglected my own wishes. I remembered that before applying to university I had wanted to study art, just be creative, but out of some fear I hadn't even applied.
So this year I have paused my biology studies (indefinitely) and I am applying to a new school to study fine arts (I am hoping so much that I have what it takes to get in!) It is what I want to do.
The biggest leap for me in this equation will be moving out of my hometown into a new city. But in a way I can't wait to have my own kitchen (for some reason, kitchen). I do love my family to bits, but I feel like it is my time to try if my wings can carry me and where they will take me.
(I might be moving even if I, for some reason, didn't get in to the school.)
But this is the change, the big change, that will be happening in my life this year. I feel so excited and horribly terrified at the same time. I know it is going to be a great year!
***
Ps. I appreciate all of you out there who have the interest in reading my thoughts and visiting my blog. I know I mentioned a giveaway some months ago and trust me, this spring, before the snow melts, it will happen. ♥

2012-01-11T11:57:00.001+02:00

There is so much change in the air,
I feel overwhelmed.

2011-12-31T13:53:00.003+02:00

I am sitting in the darkness,
listening to the early fireworks popping around the city.
2011 is taking its last breaths, only to give way for 2012.
Please be kind to me New Year, make my wishes come true.
*
Happy New Year everyone!

2011-12-23T11:59:00.002+02:00

*
No matter what your beliefs are or however you choose to spend this holiday season, I hope you have a lot of fun and happiness!
*

2011-12-06T12:56:00.003+02:00

The world is white today. The sun tries to peek through the grey clouds.
Flags have been hoisted to their masts to celebrate this day, the wind turns them alive, white and blue waves.
I must say I feel a little bit better than during my previous post. My Patronus is still only a whisp, but it is working, or maybe my Dementor is only a boggart (forgive me, I have been reading too much Harry Potter recently).
I have a lazy day ahead of me, reading books and letter writing.

ps. I am amazed at how many of you are reading my little postings. I wish you the best of day!

2011-11-17T12:13:00.005+02:00

I have been absent - absent minded too.
The first frost has come and gone,
the first snow has come and gone.
This is such a peculiar autumn.
I have let it get to me, to wear me out.
The darkness is seeping into my mind and taking out all the joy, like a Dementor.
I need to light candles to keep the darkness at bay, make wishes and believe in magic.
And hope that winter would take us into his arms and cover the world with a white blanket that illuminates everything despite the short days.

(I changed the place a little. I hope you like it)

2011-10-28T17:52:00.002+03:00

Pinch me. Am I awake?
The channels have been opened again and creativity tingles in my fingertips.
I feel like a child again, I cracked a shell that was suffocating me, I made a decision.
Jumping into the unknown has never felt this good.

2011-10-16T13:31:00.002+03:00

A bird flew into our window yesterday,
I don't know what happened to him.
There was only a little smudge and a tiny speck of blood on the glass.
I just hope he's alright.

2011-10-10T19:01:00.001+03:00

Amazing young talent Birdy... She nourishes my soul ♥

2011-09-26T16:41:00.003+03:00

I have had this little thought in my head for a while and here it is:
I have met the most loveliest people through this blog of mine and I want to show my gratitude for all the wonderful words you have written to me, and for all the support and love I've received.
So I've been thinking about having a giveaway!
The little prize would be made by me (no idea what at this point).
I may not have enough time to make this happen in the nearest future.
But I just thought I would give you the heads up.

2011-09-22T18:12:00.002+03:00

Is there a place where I could study to become a fairy? I could wander around forests, bathe in little creeks and befriend all the creatures inhabiting the woodlands.
The trees are becoming dormant once again, it gets harder to hear their voices.
I will stay in Jónsi's world for just a few more moments.

2011-09-17T12:31:00.002+03:00

Some kind of strange anxiety fills my veins. I can't grasp what it is.
Creativity that wants to explode? Sadness? Excitement? Or all of these? I just don't know.
Or perhaps I am just a little bit too tired. I can only hope that a good night's sleep will solve this.

2011-09-03T11:32:00.002+03:00

I'm quite certain, when I walked closer to the toadstools at the back of our garden, I saw a group of little fairies. They fluttered away as soon as they noticed me. I tried to explain it is only me, their friend, but the fairies are very shy with people. I can totally understand, with so many who don't believe in them, they should be a little wary.
I am happy, because it is autumn and September, but tired of this loneliness. Too many sad songs, need to find happier ones.

2011-08-20T18:32:00.005+03:00

Leaves are yellowing in the trees and flying gracefully with the wind. Mushrooms pop up from the ground, I've been learning their names, curious little things they are.

My summer job ends next tuesday. It has been mind blowing, time consuming and tiring. I've gained so much more confidence and I'm not so scared anymore. I've also been pushed forward with my studies in a way I could never have imagined. My interests have completely changed, I will specialise in plant biology from now on. I love animals, but it is not in my interest to go through studies where I would have to hurt them or take their lives in order to learn. And plants, especially trees can be the most interesting things on earth. They give us more than we know, and there is still so much more to learn.

I should have known it was plants all along, when I was little I tried to grow little trees in my room, mostly failing, and it was always me who wanted to have a garden. I had my own favourite trees where I lived as a child, the trees are still special to me. One of them is this huge old aspen, who has offered his shelter for so many different birds from black woodpeckers to goldeneyes. He has been struck by a lightning and part of his foliage is dead because of that, but still he produces the most beautiful leaves which tremble in the wind. Oh, I got distracted by memories.

And now I realise the picture has nothing to do with this ramble of mine, I took it in July, I believe it was already past 10pm and we were driving home with my mum from a birthday party, it was a hilarious trip.

ode to August

2011-08-01T17:02:00.003+03:00

It is not a secret that August is my favourite month. Like magic, everything was perfect today, even at work. I feel like I've woken up from a July slumber into the golden August. The weather has been the finest (I am at my best when the temperature is under 20 celcius), the gushing wind has been whispering autumnal words into my ears (oh yes, to me autumn begins from August, no matter what calendars and other people say, I like to have my autumn a month longer than usual). I have the funniest tingling sensation in my stomach, like everything is finding its place in my life, I am finding my place. And soon I begin the 23rd year of my life, hoping it will be the best one yet.
Oh, how I love August!

(I hope you had a wonderful day too ♥)

2011-07-27T19:27:00.002+03:00

If I was a teeny tiny person I would love to carve a teeny tiny house into a giant poppy's seedcase. I would live so high, higher than the tallest grass. I would have little windows into every direction, my bedroom would face East, because I like to wake up with the sun. A little spider would make me a silky web to use as a trampoline. Busy bees would stop by and let me ride on their backs where ever I needed to go. I would only eat sugary peas and lovely red raspberries, and perhaps taste some honey if the bees and wasps would kindly let me. I would drink the morning dew and raindrops. I would wear the tiniest and most beautiful petals I could find. My bed would be of moss.
My life would be free of stress and haste.
(Oh, I forgot to tell you, there are more than one seedcase in our garden, you are welcome to join me if you want!)

2011-07-16T10:56:00.002+03:00

I just wish to hide under my favourite tree and talk to her. She will keep me safe from the world.
I am tired, I do not like to be an adult.

2011-06-25T14:11:00.003+03:00

Thunder is rumbling in the distance and the birds are singing.
My week has been full of magic and little miracles. I still can't quite believe what has happened. I received a job offer on Wednesday, and now I have a summer job! The best thing about it is that the job is being part of a research group, meaning I am stepping into my first job as a biologist and a researcher. I am terrified and excited at the same time!
I had already lulled myself into the idea of a relaxing holiday, but this summer turned out to become something completely different. I don't mind though. I did wish for something different, a little miracle, and I think I got it.
As for now, it is still the time of Midsummer festivities. Last night we did some magic, collected flowers to hide under our pillows and had a session with tarot cards. It is truly an otherworldly experience to go out in the midnight, smell the forest, hear the birdsongs echoing and experience the nightless night.

2011-06-10T18:42:00.002+03:00

My summer holiday has officially begun, I am free to do anything. Although now it is way too hot for enjoying the outdoors (30degreesCelcius). It has probably never been this hot in the beginning of June during my lifetime.
But the faeries dance in the evening light and I am happy of all the flowering plants (and my beans and peas). I should make some plans, what I want to do and see this summer. Nothing much, but a little adventure now and then will keep me awake and alert.
Oh, and all the time that I can finally spend on reading! That reminds me, I wanted to ask recommendations for summer reads. It can be anything, a romance, a fairytale or something more morbid and gloomy.
***
Oh, and
I hold every beautiful word you give me dear and close to my heart, I don't say this enough. Thank you.
♥

2011-06-02T20:12:00.001+03:00

Please, could someone tell me who or what I should be, I am so confused again.

2011-05-31T18:42:00.003+03:00

I just finished cleaning my room. A complete top to bottom spring cleaning (almost). I am really one of the messiest people you know. I keep everything neatly in lists and on paper, but the space where I live can be like after a storm. It feels good to be in a clean room, and actually being able to place my computer on the table now that it is clear from all the extra stuff (my lovely table that once belonged to my (step)greatgrandfather, it was his woodwork table).
The picture is an oak seedling. Our bigger oak is now officially a mother! Oh, I need a friend who understands my silly enthusiasm about trees, not one who rolls their eyes when I announce "Our oak has a baby!"
Well, I guess I am a little silly, who knows.

2011-05-25T11:50:00.002+03:00

Forgive me, I have been absent. I promise to post something very soon.
But now I have a letter to finish.

2011-05-02T21:37:00.003+03:00

I feel so strangely detached from the reality, living in my own little world.
I get easily annoyed with people and their company. I feel like a hermit crab, hiding inside his seashell. I am covered by a layer, a wall that I cannot shatter, that no one can shatter.
I have been comforting myself with the stories of Astrid Lindgren and the summery series Darling Buds of May. I just wish summer woud be here already.

2011-05-01T17:36:00.002+03:00

I did something unexpected today. I started a tumblr account, which goes by the name of Unsigned dreams. I will not desert Screaming Swans (and I promise to be a better blogger once all the rush slows down). Unsigned dreams will be full of things that inspire me, things I love and care about, but on a more general level.

2011-04-23T18:35:00.004+03:00

(forgive me if I have used this photo before)

I feel so strange, something swelling in my chest and I have no idea what it is. The closeness of summer makes me yearn it even more, I didn't know how much I actually missed it. I feel restless and confused. I still have duties to fulfill, but I would only want to disappear into the garden and dig.
Birds are singing, snow has nearly melted. I have seen butterflies (Gonepteryx rhamni and Nymphalis urticae) and bees. Different spring flowers are blooming.
I just have to bite my lip and do my duties first.
(And dream while at it)

2011-04-17T12:59:00.002+03:00

These tiny lily flowers are the first ones to emerge from the ground.
They give me hope.
The snow surrounds the patches where they grow and yet they still thrive.
Everything is beginning to look like what spring is supposed to be.
And I need to learn to live at this moment, not somewhere in the future.
***
You are all such darlings!

2011-04-04T12:03:00.002+03:00

Raindrops are drumming on the roof, for the first time since last autumn. The sky is grey. All the rainwater and melting snow together transform the world into a puddleworld. Huge, gigantic puddles are everywhere, because the water has nowhere to go; the soil is still frozen.

My mood matches the weather. Feeling confused and alone. Too many thoughts in my head. Too much anxiety that I have been bottling up inside of me. My life is going to the right direction, that I know. But something has changed. A lot has changed and cannot keep up with it all.

2011-03-23T16:25:00.002+02:00

Have you ever seen pink ants?
I have, in my dream last night.
They didn't look like common ants, but I know they were ants.
I told the little girl: "Look, pink ants. They form their nests in flowerpots."
She smiled and climbed to my lap.
I felt so happy.
Dreams are such odd creatures.
***
The snow is melting.
♥

2011-03-16T20:06:00.002+02:00

Today I was a poet.
I came up with some silly little verses:
The birds sing
and pine trees giggle in the wind,
and sunbeams tickle my skin.
This is spring.

2011-03-09T14:00:00.002+02:00

The scent of sun in my room makes me feel adventurous.
In my mind I become an explorer, an artist.
A spontaneous soul who goes where ever she wishes to go.
To the streets of Paris, the depths of the Amazon, highlands of Scotland... everywhere.
But then I remember, I am not an explorer or a spontaneous soul.

Seven things

2011-03-04T10:33:00.006+02:00

I received this lovely award from lovely Melee
Thank you dearest!

I haven't done these in a long time. The deal is to tell seven things about myself. So here we go:

*I hate this time of year for one reason: when the snow starts to melt every bit of dirt and dust is revealed. All the brown and grey snow is depressing. But when I see the first bit of green somewhere, signs of new life, I become happy again.*

*When I was little I always wished to become a ballerina. I still do sometimes, even though I know that the possibility of becoming a professional ballerina at this age is zero. (My ballet teacher also told me when I was young that with my toes it would be impossible to become professional). But I like to dream and take a few ballet steps now and then and play pretend.*

*I am seriously addicted to knitting. My grandmother taught me to knit and crochet when I was old enough to manage to hold the needles and after that I've been knitting now and then, always something little. Last autumn it became an addiction and now I have to have an unfinished piece of knitting at hand or else I go mad.*

*I hate cynicism and I would want to live my life without it, but there are so many things wrong in this world that I do not think I can be completely free of it.*

*I never thought I would have traditional wishes about a family when I was growing up. Now I'm in my twenties and find myself dreaming of a husband and babies... Gosh it sounds so lame.*

*I will probably never grow up, not completely, and I like it that way.*

*I hate hate hate to see animals suffering. And if I begin to clarify reasons I would just get upset and would not spare you from any details (my bad habbit is to tell about these things with a highly detailed manner in order to shock people, I guess).*

Boy that was difficult!

Now, I know I should be passing this on to 10 amazing bloggers, but I am not going to do that. You are all amazing and you all deserve this little award! So if you want to try it feel free to do so.
♥

2011-02-24T13:33:00.004+02:00

"Titityy", goes the bird in the spruce, "the spring is almost here!"
I have missed the sun and now we have enjoyed the brightness every day for a few weeks!
-10 celcius during the day at best, a record breaking -40 at night (not last night though, we had only -25).
The certain scent of moist in the evening when the temperature begins its way down brings me back memories.
March is around the corner. It means more birdsongs, cold nights and warmer days, bright sunny days, it means the weather is changing from the cold cold winter into something more suitable for a spring.

Can you see any signs of spring yet?

There is a little yellow bellied great tit in the photo, can you find him?

2011-02-16T16:53:00.002+02:00

I think I need a change.
Or I need to change.
I am not sure.
All I know is that something inside of me yearns for something new and different. I am tired of sitting scared, wishing no one notices. I want someone to notice me. I want to be brave.
But being brave is always so scary.
I dive into the reality I feel the anxitety all around my body. I sink and suffocate.

I feel like I'm repeating myself...
***
I went to see 127 hours.
Never have I ever seen a movie that would have held me so tightly in its grip.

2011-02-07T18:38:00.002+02:00

In my world seal cubs would not die in fishermen's webs,
whales would not be brutally murdered,
seaturtles would not suffocate on plastic bags,
coral reefs would not be blown up,
sharks would not be finned and left to die,
dolphins would not be slaughtered,
wolves would not be cruelly poached.
But...
my world is only a utopia.

Yet, every little deed I make to change things takes me towards my utopic world,
I have to believe it does,
oh please, tell me that it does.

2011-02-05T13:58:00.002+02:00

I miss colours.
***
I am so sorry I have been too lazy to comment your beautiful and wonderful blogs. And sometimes your posts just leave me with no words to say, but it only means that your post has touched my soul.
♥

2011-01-31T15:49:00.002+02:00

How much can one soul possibly dream?
I have been dreaming to exhaustion, but this does not stop me.
Dreaming at night, dreaming at day, dreaming at every possible occasion.
Why does my mind wonder to the skies above?
"Ground control to Major Tom..."

2011-01-26T18:22:00.004+02:00

I want to experience love. To be loved and love someone back. I want all of it, the good and the bad. I want the passion and the friendship, even arguments. I want to be able to feel so close to someone that if we were closer, we would be one.
And please, do not moralize me.
I do not need to hear "it will come when the time is right", because I have heard that before and know how it goes. I do not need to be told about the realities, how love is not something out of movies, because I am aware of this. And no, I do not need any more cynical views on the death of romance in modern world, because that is not what I believe.
I just want to experience love,
the power of it,
the crazyness of it.
(Preferably everlasting, because yes I believe this too to be possible)

***
Forgive me for seeming so aggressive, it is not directed at you, dearest readers ♥

*

2011-01-22T11:42:00.002+02:00

What if faults are no faults at all?
What if mistakes are no mistakes?
What if...

2011-01-15T22:11:00.002+02:00

I must tell you this very silently only in a whisper, I do not want to jinx it.
I am writing again and I cannot seem to stop.
The words just flow through me and I love love love this feeling.
Now I have to knock on wood three times and throw salt over my shoulder.
And then I will continue writing ♥

2011-01-13T22:25:00.002+02:00

My heart is yearning to say something beautiful, but I feel like I have been sucked dry.
Again I have to use such a big part of my energy for controlling my fears.
But at least now I know how to manage with them, how to not let them overrule me.
I may have them with me for the rest of my life, but they are not me. My fears do not define me.

Never too late for fireworks

2011-01-11T16:41:00.003+02:00

I don't really like Katy Perry's music, but this song stopped me to listen to the lyrics.

2011-01-07T18:10:00.002+02:00

I feel a melancholy gripping my insides. I try to fight back, but the grip is too tight. Last days of my holiday has made me fear that nothing will change, that I will still be unable to form friendships. I see my sister having so much fun with her friends and I feel a sharp pain inside of me. I am not saying that I am all alone in the world, because that is not true. I have my family and one or two people who I can call a true friend, but something is still missing.
I guess I am my biggest problem. Every time I get to know a new person an involuntary thought comes into my head and says: "You're not worth of their company, they don't really want to be with you." It is like my thoughts would be on an auto-drive and they just appear in the usual order. And what follows? I have many acquaintances. I just don't know how to expose my soul without the constant fear of getting hurt.
***
oh, forgive me my mumbling

The time of year

2010-12-30T12:05:00.002+02:00

It is the time of year when I feel the most hopeful and hopeless at the same time. A new year is just around the corner and I so want it to be better than this year. In 2011 I don't want to be so lonely, I want to be braver, I want happy surprises and spontaneity in my life. I don't want to be afraid.
It seems that I don't have any resolutions, I only have wishes.
***
I wish you all begin a magical new year!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-23T16:26:00.002+02:00

Tomorrow is the eve and I will probably not open my computer the whole day.
So merry Christmas to all who celebrate it and happy holidays to all who enjoy the time, but doesn't call it Christmas ♥
(I know this photo has been here last year, but I quite like it so here it is again)

22th

2010-12-22T17:45:00.002+02:00

The big yellow moon rises behind the forest to bring light to the longest night. Gingerbread cookies are baking in the oven spreading their spicy scent around the house. She is still dreaming under the fairylights. Her nose and cheeks are cold as the frost bites them gently. And she is waiting...

21th

2010-12-21T20:08:00.003+02:00

Standing under the fairylights, dreaming...

20th

2010-12-20T21:30:00.002+02:00

Today is my sister's birthday. She turns 17.
She's already taller than me and braver than me.
My life would be emptier without her in it.

19th

2010-12-19T16:47:00.004+02:00

She felt like she knew him. His eyes were so familiar yet so strange. What was this fascination? When he came closer, she felt the buzz when their energies collided together. It was dangerous, but at the same time so safe. This was something she had never encountered before.

18th

2010-12-18T17:33:00.002+02:00

I am quite speechless today.
Not sure why.
Perhaps I am missing people I never knew I would miss.

17th

2010-12-17T19:29:00.002+02:00

This is my elf. He always wakes up in December. He loves to sit above my bed, to protect me from nightmares. This year he has a beautiful starchain ♥ to keep him company.
***
My holiday began!
Today was quite perfect as the last of studying this year.
Seeing the sunrise on an ice covered pond (and shivering from cold with my fellow classmates - hihi).
Peering through microscopes, trying to find Daphneas and Bosminas.
Are you already on holiday?

16th

2010-12-16T19:35:00.002+02:00

Everything is frosted.
Even the dark green pines look like ghosts.

15th

2010-12-15T19:52:00.003+02:00

Hurry up bunny rabbit!
You can stretch your muscles later, all your friends are waiting in the forest. They need your help to organize Christmas.
Hurry up, only nine days to go!

14th

2010-12-14T19:37:00.003+02:00

Oh little seed, what kind of maple will you grow into if you're still attached to your mother's branch.

13th

2010-12-13T16:18:00.003+02:00

Fire brings warmth to this freezing weather.
(And while everyone else are complaining about the coldness, I am secretly enjoying it)
***
You have asked me about yesterday's photo. I never realised you might not know what it is about :) How ignorant of me. It is a snowball lantern. I have been making them all my life, every winter (except not this year, it has been too cold for that). That particular lantern in the picture came out so pretty I had to take a picture of it. The topmost balls are always so hard to place without breaking the whole thing.

12th

2010-12-12T16:02:00.002+02:00

12 days already behind and 12 days ahead.
***
I hope you all know that I appreciate every little word you leave on my posts ♥
I fear I have been horrible myself, not leaving any words for you to read. I must admit that I have been very busy with school, but also quite lazy. I do read your writings and everytime someone new has found my blog, I visit theirs. (I just forget too often to let you know that I've been there)

11th

2010-12-11T18:55:00.002+02:00

A lovely sunny day. -16 degrees celcius. A lovely Christmas sale at moms workplace. Cakes and cookies, breads and buns and many wonderful things. Walking horses and kissing their soft winter fur. Laughing and freezing, enjoying the day.

10th

2010-12-10T17:31:00.003+02:00

I had such a deep sleep last night. That is the reason why I decided to post this picture.
You may wonder what it is about so let me tell you.
It is a spot underneath a spruce where rabbits sleep during the day. Their warm bellies and toes have melted the snow to leave the ground visible. There are actually a few of these spots under the same tree, perhaps the rabbits consider it to be a safe and calm place.

9th

2010-12-09T16:23:00.002+02:00

I am desperately waiting for the holiday to begin.
Still one week of studying. *sigh*
All I would want to is to sleep late in the morning, read a bunch of books that lay untouched on my shelf, write throughout the day into the night and just relax.
"Hold on, dearest", my mind says, "it is only a week."

8th

2010-12-08T17:47:00.002+02:00

This was my favourite when I was little

7th

2010-12-07T16:36:00.003+02:00

We all leave prints.
Some big, some small, some hasty, some carefully thought.
We leave prints on snow and sand, in hearts and souls.

6th

2010-12-06T17:50:00.003+02:00

Today we thank those who kept our country independent,
our grandfathers and grandmothers.

5th

2010-12-05T17:30:00.003+02:00

Gentle, fragile light, sieves through the snowy branches.
Creating colours you never knew whiteness had.

4th

2010-12-04T17:11:00.005+02:00

This picture is from a few years back.
The citylights on the other side of the river.
I just found it again from my files and thought it suited my mood.
Darkness with glimmering lights.
***
You are all too kind with your words you have given me in the previous posts ♥
I hope you won't get tired of me posting so often :)

3rd

2010-12-03T19:24:00.004+02:00

Everything is so silent
as the white stars continue their dance from the sky to us.

2nd

2010-12-02T14:35:00.002+02:00

The tiniest elves mask their footprints.
They pretend to be little birds,
so that we didn't know they are watching.

1st

2010-12-01T14:29:00.002+02:00

December is here and I have an ambitious plan: to post something every day before Christmas!
Today I will give the arena for this little squirrel I met, he told me so many incredible things that they must be shared.
"Do you know why it is so cold?" he begun. "The North Atlantic Oscillation is negative. But luckily I have my fur to keep me warm... If I estimate correctly, it is -20 degrees celcius here. The Siberian winds are spreading us this freezing weather. And do you know why the Siberian winds manage to come to us? Well because of the Oscillation of course, it is negative!"
I had hard time to keep up with his quick words as they ran out from his tiny mouth. He told me he had always been interested in the workings of the atmosphere. He even has a conversational scientific club with a few other squirrels. Who would have guessed! They would take me as their member if I wasn't so slow with my thoughts, that is what he said.
But we were interrupted by a couple of blue capped willow tits, who came to eat the sunflowerseeds. They were awfully chatty (although very cute) and nosy, so the squirrel decided to hurry up the tree to find his colleagues. And I went back inside to warm my frozen extremities.

Hundred

2010-11-25T10:42:00.004+02:00

This is my hundredth post.
It should be something special, an occation worth of a little celebration.
But I can think of nothing out of the ordinary to post.
Thank you for reading my thoughts and being here with me!
I give you a hundred snow diamonds to decorate your hair with :)
Here's to the next hundred posts!

She speaks to me

2010-11-16T18:06:00.004+02:00

A character appeared into my head.
She is telling me her story and wants me to write it.
I fear that I will ruin it if I put it on paper.
I so want to write, but my confidence is missing.

Write a poem with colours

2010-11-10T10:27:00.003+02:00

I want to write a poem with colours and paint a picture with letters,
I want to dance around the sun and swim around the moon,
I want to move to a faraway star, where I once lived.
I want to jump into an adventure or on a trampoline.
Yearning for something and nothing, asleep and awake.
Tired. Confused. Searching.
***
Forgive me my absence. Love you all!

The maiden

2010-10-27T19:12:00.004+03:00

I made her. With a hook and needles. She did not tell me why she wanted to be made. She hasn't told me her name. To me she is a ghost, a shadow, beauty, strength. She might only be a little doll on the windowsill, but for me she is a tiny soul, a part of me, born from something meaningful.

Floating

2010-10-16T10:58:00.004+03:00

They came down, floating like feathers. White and fluffy. Covering everything. The Princess of Snow is crying her icy tears again.
***
The first snow has arrived and I have to admire it from inside. I have been feeling feverish.

Odd feeling

2010-10-05T13:18:00.002+03:00

I have had time to stop and listen. Listen to myself and my feelings. I feel something changing in me. A change for the better. I am not quite sure what it is, but I have a hunch. I think I might be finally accepting myself, becoming whole in some way. Accepting myself with all my fears and insecurities, with my shyness and my beliefs. It is an odd feeling.
***
I hope everyone are enjoying the Autumn!

Just big enough for faeries

2010-09-27T13:02:00.005+03:00

A tiny forest in our backyard. Full of magical secrets.

Autumn has shown itself in all the beauty and magic it possesses. I am getting free from the grip of the boy's influence. I do not change myself for anyone! But now I notice I might have feelings for another person. I sigh and and say: "Oh, life. What have you planned for me?"

Losing myself

2010-09-22T21:36:00.002+03:00

Bits of me are getting lost.
I am not being the person who I am.
I am not being the person who I recognize.
I am something else and I do not like this else.
I am scared.
But I know why.
No one should lose themselves because of a boy and I have slowly realised that he is doing this to me. Why can't I find the right one, the right person, the one who keeps me together, the one who keeps me safe, the one who I know will love me as I am?

tired and crazy

2010-09-18T11:29:00.000+03:00

from weheartit

"Why is a raven like a writingdesk?"

2010-09-12T11:43:00.003+03:00

Magical weekend: Burton's Alice,
walks in the autumn,
conversations with someone who makes you blush...

Just shadows

2010-09-04T22:23:00.003+03:00

Why am I always the one without words? And when they appear they tangle into a mess. Where is my confidence when I need it the most? Why some people have the talent of being social? Do I have something else instead? Why do I feel so uncomfortable and uncertain?
I just wish I don't jeopardize the friendships that are about to form by being me.

The leaves are falling

2010-09-02T12:35:00.002+03:00

I feel like whispering.
Shh.
I have to speak quietly so that I can hear the leaves fall.
It is September, even the word tastes like autumn.
***
This week is getting better towards the end, I don't feel so sick anymore or stressed. I have turned into a tutor after a few panic attacks and I might even say that it is worth all the anxiety and fear I felt before.

How has your (official) autumn begun?

Runny nose and achy head

2010-08-29T11:04:00.002+03:00

Autumn flu has cought me. Or perhaps I have been calling it towards me by piling all the stress over me. I just feel like I'll be letting people down if I decided to stay at home and rest this away. I feel like letting myself down. My senses say I should slow down or I'll burn, but something else is pushing me forward even if I didn't have the strength for it. I am so tired and I know the little flubug is trying to tell me that. But will I listen?

Twenty-two

2010-08-26T22:49:00.002+03:00

22. Such a green number. I prefer combinations with different colours.
Don't get me wrong, I love green, but...
22 is such a green number.

Tiny onions

2010-08-21T13:40:00.003+03:00

The biggest is barely the size of my thumbprint. I had to harvest these littleones, because their leaves had shriveled. I slightly feel like I have failed with them, that I did something wrong, but I will try again next year.
Perhaps the fairies of our garden wanted these onions and stunted their growth. Well, there are still few left in the ground, you can go and get them, little friends.
***
And thank you thousands of times for your little messages, I feel a lot better now.

Northwind

2010-08-16T17:56:00.003+03:00

The Northwind makes me shiver, a feeling that I have longed for. At last it is getting colder.
I want to say something meaningful. Something thoughtful. But I am empty and hollow. For some reason the swirls of melancholy have taken a hold of me.

Feeling lonely

2010-08-07T18:27:00.001+03:00

I want to love and be loved in return.

The stars are here again

2010-08-01T15:43:00.004+03:00

Welcome dear August. I have been waiting for you and your dark starry nights, the special day and your cooling winds. I know you still belong to the summer, but you begin my Autumn.

Windswept

2010-07-31T18:02:00.004+03:00

I have been reading too little, writing has been nonexistent. The heat has evaporated my creativity. Would the beginning storm bring it back to me for I suffer without it? Please?

Death and all his friends

2010-07-22T18:17:00.007+03:00

I visited the Natural History Museum. I could feel all the lost souls swirming above our heads. Singing their stories, lives that were never lived. They carry an important message to us all and we should all listen and learn.

Fears tie the body

2010-07-17T18:32:00.003+03:00

My mind is soaring high, flying freely up in the sky. Dreaming of dark forests, little cabins and cottages, running through medows, dancing the rain dance, frolicking around in prettiest dresses, galloping through the fields on a white mare, hair flowing in the wind. I can't keep still, silent anxiety is whispering little words into my ear "Be adventurous, take a chance, be brave." What should I answer?

Sometimes I feel like a mouse who can't stand up to the cat, but gets eaten.

Suffocating heat and little miracles

2010-07-15T21:30:00.006+03:00

The Rainmaker faerie lost her bag and now she can't make it rain. The dry heat has continued for too long. All the plants are thirsty, not only in our garden, but everywhere. I hope that when I make a new bag for the Rainmaker, she can bring us some refreshment.

But for the little miracles, I saw a mother hedgehog with three babies tonight. They were so cute, walking in a queue through our garden and every time the mother stopped to sniff something the babies bumped into her. I wish all the best for the mother and the babies, the world needs more hedgehogs.

***

I have forgotten to tell you all how much all of your comments mean to me, thank you for existing out there. I am also sorry for not leaving you any words, I must do better in the future.

Kisses all over my body

2010-07-09T21:31:00.003+03:00

I would like to believe that mosquitos are faeries in disguise,

that their noise is singing that we cannot hear properly,

that their stings are kisses all over our bodies.

Tired eyes, happy heart

2010-07-06T17:14:00.002+03:00

24 tiny little feet, 6 new mouths to feed.

Midsummer dreams

2010-06-26T19:40:00.005+03:00

The Midsummer rose. The prickly branches are full of white flowers. The air is filled with their enchanting scent and the buzzing of busy bees. Midsummernight is once again over. Seven different flowers under my pillow gave me beautiful dreams.

But the magic of summer is not over. It is just beginning. The warmth of the bright nights embraces me. And after all the heartshaped petals of the Midsummer rose has fallen to the ground, something else begins to bloom on its turn.

***

Here is a picture of Sir Hedgehog, the little visitor in our garden.

Covered in horsehair

2010-06-21T19:35:00.004+03:00

I feel tired and my arms and legs are hurting, but the endorphine in my blood makes me happy.

This whole week will be spent with horses and riding and learning more about this magnificent animal.

***

Today is the longest day of the year. Next weekend we celebrate the Midsummer. Collecting flowers to make magic in the middle of the night, eating, lauhging and making the days most enjoyable.

***

I must show you a picture of the new garden inhabitant, Sir Hedgehog, as soon as I get close to my camera and put them on the computer. He is a funny little hedgie. Last Thursday I was in the garden and the little hedgehog just followed me around. I didn't do anything to lure him to me. Funny little creature.

***

I have had a thought in my head for a long time. And even now I am hesitating whether to reveal this thought or not. But here it comes: Would someone want to exchange letters with me, and yes I am thinking in a penpal sort of way, snailmail, oldfashioned letterwriting. Exchanging thoughts, inspirations and whatever comes to mind.... Perhaps in a few hours I will delete this thought, but I want to try and keep it here.

***

Farewell till next time my faeries!

Buttercups and Forget-me-nots

2010-06-11T21:13:00.002+03:00

I have sunk into the holiday. Learning how to live with nothing to do. I must apologise for being absent, the days just fly past before I can even notice.

But so much has happened.

Sun. Rain. Wind. Horses. New eyeglasses. Our little dog carrying multiple new lives. Gardening. Running. Crying. Laughing. Reading. Writing. And again: Wind. Rain. Sun.

A hedgehog has visited our garden, I suspect she is a sibling to the one I fed last Autumn.

***

I promise to be more interesting next time.

Bright Star

2010-05-31T15:19:00.002+03:00

I dived into the world of Bright Star.

I sunk into the happiness and sorrow.

I breathed the love and affection.

And I cried.

Forget me not

2010-05-22T16:21:00.003+03:00

What a week I've had! Full of adventures, real ones, hiking in deep forests, searching for animal tracks, catching butterflies (and freeing them), listening to birdsongs 4 am in the morning and so much more. It is so magical to wake up at 2 am and cycle through the city into this nature reserve area full of singing birds. No one else is awake at that time, the world is full of hazy blue light and the first signs of the rising sun are visible in the east.

I held a little green bird in my hands, a bird who belongs to the finches, he was shivering poor thing, I just hope he knew we were not going to hurt him. I'd like to think that he knew it after I let him free.

Now I'm tired, but happy.

How was your week?

Summer came so suddenly

2010-05-14T14:51:00.005+03:00

A secret garden with brick pathways and anemones and herbs and carrots has evolved into our backyard. I have dirt under my nails and blisters in my palms, but I could not be more content. I still have some flower seeds who yearn to go into the ground. Perhaps I plant them in the middle of the night so they grow into a beautiful medow full of magic.

But now, as it is too hot outside, I will sit in the shade and enjoy the first proper summerday.

Breathing the stress away

2010-04-27T16:15:00.010+03:00

I have been feeling terribly stressed lately. I don't even have any school duties which would make me anxious. I find myself constantly feeling empty and bored with this hectic world around me. I hate to read the news about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and to know I can't do anything to help the wildlife under threat. I take ridiculous worries on my shoulders (as you may see from the previous sentence). I want to start living a slow life, forget the time, but it is impossible.

Yesterday, though, I had a beautiful moment in the garden when I forgot about the real world. The rain on my face and the scent of a waking nature in the air. On those moments my untaimed heart beats strong. Have you ever tickled an earthworm? It is amazing how such a small and simple organism can have seven hearts.

I love your smile

2010-04-24T22:26:00.004+03:00

I just had to share this with you. It puts a smile on your face.

(you can see it better from youtube, for some reason here half of the screen is cut off)

Loving the spring rain

2010-04-23T10:56:00.008+03:00

I fear my post will be very random today. I have several thoughts swirling in my head without any sensible order. I heard the blackbird sing yesterday, and in the morning he was in our garden trying to find little bugs to eat. I try to listen to happy songs, because for some reason I get so easily depressed.

***

I seem to be dreaming of the summer, planning things. In June I will be riding on a white horse through the (hopefully) sunny days and in July I get to sing "Love is our Resistance" with my hero. And all other days will be filled with fairie dances and midnight adventures.

***

I am in need of romance in my life. I must admit that I'm a hopeless romantic, waiting for my prince to come. I have seen too overly romantic movies lately and they have left a pining in my heart. It must be the spring, causing these feelings. Perhaps I need Elizabeth and Fitzwilliam to help me...

***

As the last random thing, I have done something quite unexpected for my character. I have applied to be a tutor in my school (for international students) and I have also been accepted. I had this strangely strong feeling that I had to apply. Against all my fears and uncertainties I am throwing myself into this social task where I have to communicate with people I have never met, I am certainly stepping out of my comfort zone. I am horrified and excited at the same time. There must be some deeper reason for all this... I've always known that things happen for a reason, but this time the feeling is stronger than ever.

***

I wish sunshine to you all!